Seeking Wisdom, Truth & Guidance

They say that there are a handful of moments in your life that truly form who you are as a person.  I believe that to be so very true.  Here are mine:

• 1978 - I'm determined and here for a reason.  I came into the world on August 15th instead of October 1st.  Do the math, I was pretty early (especially for back in the 70's) and wasn't supposed to be able to see/hear or have great brain function because of all the oxygen I was on. But hey, I graduated HS with honors, made National Honor Society and only make the occasional bad decision because I'm human lol. (Although, I wonder if I could blame that on the oxygen?!)
• 1993 - Working hard and trying your best pays off.  I made the JV basketball team my freshman year, NOT because I was awesome (I was TERRIBLE), but because I worked super hard to keep up and tried harder than others.  I still remember how excited and proud I was when Coach Kemper (Kink) called me into his office to tell me I made the Team - I was beyond thrilled!
• 1997 - Trust my gut instincts. When I feel uncomfortable in a situation, say so!  It's okay to speak  my mind, even scream my mind if needed! (And yes, I actually did)
• 1998 - Always do the right thing.  There are times when the easy way seems the best option, but in the long run they don't always make you FEEL the best.  So, choose the hard path, or whatever path allows you to say that you "did the right thing" and be proud of that strength, even when you lose alot in the process.
• 1999 - Supporting someone doesn't always mean that you have to agree with their choices. During my 1st week as an RA, one of my residents found out she was pregnant. Dealing with consequences from situations that I had purposely avoided in my life, was very hard on me emotionally, but I learned alot about myself and how to support others.
• 2008 - I can really motivate people.  I never really mention my career on here, but it was the 1st time I managed people in my career and I excelled in it. And I LOVED it! Sharing knowledge, teaching people the business, figuring out what they need/lack to be successful and helping them achieve it is a passion and strength of mine.
• 2012 - I NEED Faith. I realize that I have a big void in my life, and I never really missed or needed it, UNTIL NOW. 

Many of you have emailed/messaged/called/texted about my check-in at the Church of Latter Day Saints last weekend.  While I love that you care that I have Faith, and believe in something bigger than just humans, I'm a little shocked by some of your comments and notes.  I wanted to take a few minutes and explain to you where I'm coming from - not because I HAVE to, or feel obligated to tell you, but because I WANT to share this very important journey with you.

So let me start at the beginning…

I found myself bawling in the front pew at the Catholic church, soooooooo angry at God, that I couldn’t function.  I didn’t realize that I’d been there for 2 hours already – it felt like I’d just arrived, kneeled and began to pray.  The priest walked out and asked if I was okay – I said I would be.  But who really knows when that would be?!

My prayers were not working and every second that passed, kept making me even more angry. My prayers became more like “how could you” and “I thought you were this amazing God”, instead of praying for healing and strength.  I just was SO VERY angry.

And here’s how I got to that place…

As I was leaving work that day (it was a Friday, and I still feel like it was just yesterday), I ran into one of my friends in the elevator.  We were talking about life, love, etc and then she told me about what my 2 very close friends were going through at that exact moment.  Their beautiful, perfect, healthy baby boy passed away in utero at 36 wks along. There was a true knot in his umbilical cord.

My legs instantly gave out and I fell onto the bench in the hallway and began to cry.

My friends are THE most amazing, God loving, caring and compassionate people I've met to date in my life.  We kid that we're soul sisters because we just hit it off from the moment we met! 

My heart was broken.

For my friends, for their 2 little ones, their family and for the loss of the sweet baby that none of us got to meet.

What made me even more angry was that as I was crying, and my heart was aching so badly for my friends, my first gut reaction was to reach out to Jeff for support.  He was a constant for 8 months of my life, and I realized that at some point during that time, I must've fallen in love with him. (Yes, seriously…)

So I drove there. With my tears still coming down, (even more now because I was mad that I fell in love with him), I kept driving to his house because I thought he could help me. I thought he could support me the way I'd done for him during our relationship.

But that didn't happen. I realized I fell in love with a man who had NO idea how to support me when I needed him. I’ll save you the details, but that hurt a lot.

So I left and drove home.

I started getting update text messages from my friends - she was now in active labor and still had to deliver the baby. I felt like all I could do was be there for them via the way they wanted me to, which was through texting. I felt useless. Not to mention I couldn't find the right words to express my sentiments to them. I put myself in their shoes and all I could come up with was anger and sadness.

But they didn't feel that.

They have such a strong, grounded belief in God and an amazing, unwavering Faith, that they were okay. How was it that as I was trying to support THEM, they actually made ME feel better?! Is that possible?!

It was. And it happened.

I realized in that moment that I don't have the Grace, Faith and Strength that they do - all coming from their belief in God and in their case, the Mormon religion.

I'm in a Crisis of Faith.

I recognize for the 1st time in my 34 years here on Earth, that I NEED and WANT a relationship with God. One that involves all of the things I never wanted and constantly said NO to (before now) - a church, a congregation (or ward), an understanding of the bible, teachings from Jesus and the Apostles - my list could go on and on.

I've been going to the Church of Latter Day Saints - I've been 3 times and I really enjoy every service. I get SO much out of it.  (And I also like the iPad app Gospel Library, because you can download the Old and New Testaments on there and refer to them in seconds during mass. But that's not super important I guess lol)  I like learning about the bible, something that I never really did in the Catholic church, but am doing now every Sunday (and sometimes during the week too - true story!)

In boils down to this, friends...I'm in search of the perfect Faith fit for ME. I don't know what religion that is, and I don't know where I'll end up, but I'm definitely enjoying my journey.  I’m not walking away from the core values and beliefs that I was raised with, so rest assured of that.  I'm just asking you to please keep an open mind, like I'm doing while I explore different faiths and religions.  And if you want to explore with me, just let me know!

I hope you can see where I'm coming from a bit more now - not of a place of rebound from being hurt, but a place of strength in SEARCH of Wisdom, Truth and Guidance. I'm looking forward to figuring out what I believe and where I fit.

And in a strange way, I can thank a tiny, little, perfect soul for sending me on this journey. He's made a HUGE impact on my life, and I didn't have the chance to meet him.  But that's okay, I already know how amazing he is.

Thanks in advance for your support while I figure out this next chapter in my life!