Pretty Little Words

I dated a Narcissistic Sociopath.

Looking back now, almost a year later – I knew.  I think I knew the entire time, I just was living in a constant state of the most amazing form of denial ever – LOVE.

Or so I called it at that time.

By the end of our relationship, sadly, I was a shell of myself.  I had given up so much of who I was and what I wanted to do, and sacrificed it for the happiness of “our future”.  My sense of optimism was put to the test on a daily basis – he had sooo many daily troubles. I was a constant companion and emotional support system, and I got nothing back except Pretty Little Words.

But I felt like that was okay because someday, I’d need him and he’d be there for me.  Only that day came on August 3^rd, 2012, and those Pretty Little Words did nothing except finally push me away.

I sat down last night as I was heading to bed, and read through my private blog from when Jeff and I dated.  It read like an abused woman’s life.  Here are some high lowlights:

• We had a company afternoon at Kennywood (an amusement park), and it was overcast, but we managed to have a great time.  I proudly introduced Jeff to my coworkers and their families, rode some rides, and were ready to do the slingshot (flying thru the air attached to nothing but a string and each other), and it began to storm, complete with thunder and lightning! Yes, I know now that this was God’s way of showing me Jeff’s true colors LOL.  I immediately begin to laugh, took the slingshot garb off and ran for the car.  He, on the other hand, was running, swearing, completely angry and let it ruin our night.  We got to the car, hopped inside, and I HAD to bring it up. “Babe, why are you so angry? What would you do if we had kids with us? This is RAIN!” He had no answer other than he wanted to go home and dry off.  Evening ruined.
• He also started working on a “surprise” gift for me last Valentine’s Day – I never received it.  He used it as a form of manipulation – when I’d get mad or frustrated about something, he’d dangle those Pretty Little Words about the surprise and I’d shut up because I’d start asking 20 questions about it.  Every time.  I’m sure it didn’t even exist.
• We were heading back from an afternoon picnic and a pick-up truck pulled right out in front of us and we almost hit them (not our fault). Jeff was so upset, that he started breathing super hard like a Clydesdale after a race, then began to tailgate soooo close that we almost rear ended them (yes, this time our fault). We came to a stoplight and the men in the pick-up got OUT of the truck to come talk to us – I was scared – I mean who does that?! Jeff started calling the men names under his breath, before they even got to our car. Yes, they were black, and yes, Jeff was clearly a racist.  I clearly have awesome taste in men.
• So you all know that I’m a strange eater – I always special order everything, it’s just how I am. Jeff and I went to Chipotle for lunch after he picked me up from the airport, and I wanted a kids size burrito bowl, but they don't have any, so I opted for the Quesadilla instead. (Logical choice). When the woman asked me what I'd like on my quesadilla, I said chicken, black beans, cheese, pico de gallo. Basically it was the same ingredients as a burrito bowl, minus the rice haha.  So they made it into my quesadilla, gave it to me, but when I went to eat it, the cheese and tortilla stuck to the paper! So, I ended up peeling back the paper, and eating it with a fork after all - thus, it turned into a Burrito Quesadilla! LOL  He made fun of me, and actually said that it made us look stupid.  Can you imagine?!

I broke up with him twice and each time he had some plan to make it all better. As I read my own words from last year, I literally flashed to a bad Lifetime movie (minus the physical abuse, insert emotional abuse instead). I never thought I’d be one of “those women” that fall for “those men”. I was too smart for that.

Or so I thought.

I have so many other stories that were like this, and the sad part is I don’t have any stories that are really romantic or sweet that involve ACTIONS.  Only Pretty Little Words that meant nothing.

I was/am appalled by myself.

How could I have let this happen?! I'm a smart, independent, strong woman!

I made excuses for a man who’s WORDS told me how amazing I was, and his ACTIONS always put me last.  I gave him the benefit of the doubt in every single argument, because I thought that the man I believed he was, was far better than the one I was seeing in front of me. I believed in his future/our future.

Even as I type this blog, I see how stupid I must’ve looked for this entire “relationship”.

My sister emailed me an article about behaviors and traits of Narcissistic Sociopaths, and it was like my whole world just imploded, yet made perfect sense all at the same time.  The part of the article that got me was: “A narcissistic sociopath is unable to tolerate criticism and needs constant praise, as well as deference from other people. Many with this condition present themselves in the best light possible and are able to easily charm others to gain their trust.”

I am definitely not a girl that could ever put up with that for an entire lifetime and eternity -YUCK! I'm so thankful I realized this and exited his life.

It’s been almost a year since Jeff and I broke up, but I still cringe when I see pictures of him with Her. I now acknowledge that every single word in our relationship was most likely a lie. I was probably cheated on the entire time we dated too – I’ll never know. And the truth is, I shouldn’t care.

But of course a part of me does, because I have a huge heart.  Too big for my body some most times.

Anyway, I needed to get this out. For me, for you, for someone that needs to read this and move on, for someone who needs to realize that their actions don’t match their words.

I’m still living life with an open heart, it’s just a little smaller now, but still has so much love to give. I don’t want that little piece back either – he can keep it – he clearly needed it more than I did/do.

I’m still just as strong without it. And I'm a better person now for going through this.