Someday.

I thought long and hard about how I was going to say goodbye to Jeff.

Do I yell? Do I make him feel bad? Do I just ignore him?

It's true that he didn't/doesn't deserve the time of day, but you guys know I'm an eternally kind too kind person. Eh, it is what it is...

So here's where I struggled...a couple months ago, we went to Carter's and he bought all the ingredients for me to make him an ABCake to give his brother and sister-in-law to welcome their baby boy.  I still had the stuff - do I make it? Or do I just keep it? Send it back? I was torn between sending it back via USPS or making it and giving it to him anyway.

That's what I decided on - making it and giving it to him anyway.

My rationale was that it wasn't the baby's fault, or his brother's fault that Jeff was a "non-winner".  Plus I wanted to end things on a positive note - that's just how I am.  So I made the cake, and decided to meet Jeff at some point to drop it off.  I should have known it would be a process in finally meeting up, however.  He rescheduled once, then the 2nd time, had a last minute funeral (who knows if this is true or not lol), and then today, when we were supposed to meet, he was almost 30 minutes late.

The plan was to meet at Panera, at 11am. I was there, grabbed some lunch, chowed on my fabulous soup and salad (I do love the Pick 2 meal)!  He finally showed up at 11:25am. 

I was worried that it'd be awkward because the last time we saw each other, I was doing the ugly girl cry, mixed with some Linda Blair backwards-head-spinning-around yelling, mixed with some craziness from Fatal Attraction.  Yes, sadly, that was me.

But hey, it was well deserved, and I'm not going to apologize for that.

Anyway, it was awkward. He genuinely seemed happy to see me, which I thought was strange. He was asking all kinds of questions about my life, who I was dating, etc. Admittedly that felt great. To know, in a strange way, that he cared and was jealous of my life, my dating life. And let's keep in mind that I've been on some fun dates with someone new - but I won't be sharing a peep about that man.  I'm having a great time with him though. :)

I asked Jeff about his girl friend, the one that he was "with" while we were dating. I was disappointed in myself that I actually spoke the words "I thought you had higher standards for yourself than sleeping with a bleached blonde bimbo, with fake nails, and pink pearl lip gloss."  He didn't even defend her. He didn't say a word.

Then he said that I was glowing, and this new guy was clearly making me very happy. He doesn't  deserve to know anything about my life - not even simple things like what I ate for lunch or breakfast! lol. 

He went onto say that he questioned if he ever made me that happy during our 8 months together. I said my happiest moment was the kitchen sink moment. That was the one moment where I felt my feelings were validated.

Then he brought up my "surprise". In case you forgot, in February, around Valentine's Day, Jeff began working on a "surprise" gift for me. All he'd tell me was that it was something that showed me how he really felt about me, and that he was nervous to give it to me because it made him really vulnerable.  Fast forward to August, and I still haven't received aforementioned gift. Now THAT is a way to show a girl you care haha.

I found out today that the gift was a poem he wrote, and a frame that he made. The frame was surrounded with tokens and tickets, etc from the dates we went on.  I knew that romantic, sweet side of him was in there somewhere!  But alas, I still did not get the gift. And let's be honest, it would change nothing at all.

I think the saddest moment of realization to me was that his actions still don't match his words.  He was saying how much he missed me, etc. but has done nothing to change his behaviors or show me that he wants me around. Wouldn't it have been great for him to give me my "surprise" finally?!

At least he made it easier today. I didn't second guess my decision for a moment. Not for a split second.

I feel extremely proud that I was able to walk away from someone who doesn't appreciate me. Some people go their whole lives in terrible relationships because they can't find the courage to walk away.  I'm thankful that I did.  While I do feel that Jeff and I had an amazing connection in terms of personality and romantically, he can't support me how I need to be (emotionally) in life.

I'll meet someone, someday who can be all of those things to me - a friend, a lover, and a partner all in one. (Oh, and faithful too! lol)

The only thing that gift would have done, is to validate, once again, that we had an amazing connection and we wanted the same things out of life. And that yes, he did have feelings for me.

But I already know this.

I know it in the way he looked me up and down when he said hello today. I know it in the way he made eye contact for a little bit too long a few times. I know it by the way he reached out and grabbed my hands during lunch to tell me that he missed me. I know it because he told me I looked beautiful.   I know it when we hugged goodbye and I heard him inhale and smell my hair (silly, but he liked how I smell and always commented on it).

Mostly, I know it because when we said goodbye and walked away, we both turned around at the exact same time to see if each other was looking, and smiled at each other.  He said "I told you, we're not done. It's not our time. I'm still broken, and I need to fix myself. I'll see you again someday.  You don't ever find this connection except once in a lifetime."

I mentally reminded myself of about 5 reasons why we'd never work out.

I laughed and kept walking.

And a part of my heart stayed in that parking lot.

I'll get it back.

That piece.

Someday.

Right now, I'm proud. And positive. And I know I made the right decision. And I'm thankful for the support system that's been backing me while I've weathered this storm. And I'm looking forward to happier, easier times ahead.